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Jokes

Postby Potato » Tue Aug 28, 2012 1:35 am

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Re: Jokes

Postby FiSH » Tue Aug 28, 2012 5:59 pm

Three nuns, a clown and an alien walk into a bar . . .
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Re: Jokes

Postby Egg » Wed Aug 29, 2012 1:02 am

A Potato, a Fish, and an Egg walked into a bar.........and were promptly eaten.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Ellsworth » Wed Aug 29, 2012 1:38 am

^ Now I'm hungry.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Callred » Fri Aug 31, 2012 5:15 pm

Glad to see you kept the jokes thread.... sweet...:

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Fri Aug 31, 2012 8:18 pm

LMAO!

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Re: Jokes

Postby One Fan To Another » Fri Aug 31, 2012 9:25 pm

One day a priest was fishing alone, way out at sea. Suddenly, his boat sprung a leak. As the boat started to slowly take on water the priest began to pray to God for help. As the man was praying, a sailboat came along. "Do you need me to take you to shore?" asked the captain. "No," replied the Priest, "God will save me!"

The priest's boat continued sinking lower when a fisherman came along. "Hey, come with me, I'll take you to shore," said the fisherman. "No, God will save me," the priest replied.

As the priest's boat sunk almost underwater a helicopter came along. "You there! Come with me, quickly! I'll take you to shore," yelled the pilot. "No! God will save me," the priest replied.

After the priest's boat sank the priest drowned, went to heaven and stood before God. "God, while my boat was sinking why didn't you save me?" "Damn, man! I tried. I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

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Re: Jokes

Postby Ellsworth » Tue Sep 04, 2012 9:08 pm

^ That joke is as old as the hills. :P

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Re: Jokes

Postby Ronin » Wed Sep 05, 2012 7:33 pm

My 14 year old just told me this one:

3 soldiers are in the jungle. One is British, one is French and the last is an American. They are captured by cannibals and taken before the chief. The Chief says to them " we have sentenced you to die. We are going to eat you and use your skin to make canoes. but since you are all warriors we have decided to let you choose the manner of your death."

The British soldier stands up right salutes and says " God save the Queen" and then slit his own throat. The French solider looks at the American and says "Au revior mon ami" and shoots himself in the head. The American looks at the two dead soldiers and yells "Screw you!" to the Chief and stabs himself to death with a fork.
After seeing and hearing about the amazing rigs that many people have on these forums; it seems rather silly for me to the specs of my very modest gaming PC. It works and that's good enough for me.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Splice » Thu Sep 06, 2012 12:16 am

It took me a minute to get that one :roll:
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Re: Jokes

Postby One Fan To Another » Thu Sep 06, 2012 12:24 am

Ellsworth wrote:^ That joke is as old as the hills. :P


Damn right it is. I learned that one when I was, like, five years old. That was 127 years ago ;)

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Re: Jokes

Postby One Fan To Another » Thu Sep 06, 2012 12:32 am

Three men - a Brit, an Aussie and a Yank - are driving through the desert. Their truck runs out of gas and it's a very long walk back to civilization. "The water's mine!" shouts the Brit. "Then the food is mine!" yells the Aussie. "Oh, ya, well... then the door is mine!" shouts the Yank. Finally, the men make it back home and Brit and the Aussie look at the Yank and ask, "Hey, why did you take the door?!" to which the Yank replies, "So that when it got too hot I could roll down the window."

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Re: Jokes

Postby Ellsworth » Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:53 pm

A rabbit hops into a butcher's shop and says, "Cabbage, please!"

"I don't sell cabbage," the butcher replies. "I only sell meat. You need the grocery store up the road."

"Oh! Thanks!" says the rabbit and hops out.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butcher's shop and says "Cabbage, please!"

"You came in here yesterday, didn't you?" asks the butcher. "I told you I only sell meat. The grocery store up the road sells cabbage.”

"Oh! Thanks!" says the rabbit and hops out.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butcher's shop and says, "Cabbage, please!"

"You again!" exclaims the butcher. "Is there something wrong with you? I've told you twice now: I only sell meat! You need the grocery store up the road."

"Oh! Thanks!" says the rabbit and hops out.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butcher's shop and says, "Cabbage, please!”

"Look, buddy," the angry butcher replies, "if you come in my shop one more time asking for cabbage I'm going to nail your ears to the counter. Now beat it!"

"Oh! Sorry!" says the rabbit and hops out.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butcher's shop and asks, "Got any nails?"

The butcher, looking confused, replies, "No..."

"Cabbage, please!" says the rabbit.

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Re: Jokes

Postby infamous » Sun Sep 16, 2012 11:16 pm

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A Flat Major!

What is the sadomasochistic network administrator's favorite protocol? SNMP!
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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:50 am

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different ......

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbour's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't ; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself .

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother, Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that . I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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Re: Jokes

Postby grey_area » Fri Sep 21, 2012 7:51 am

^ Thanks Were, that made me chuckle!

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Re: Jokes

Postby ZeroGuardian » Mon Oct 08, 2012 8:35 pm

My Grandfather sent me this one... I'm still laughing! :D

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a
trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist..

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center .

Claude was never invited back.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Splice » Tue Oct 09, 2012 10:27 pm

Ewwwwwwww... :sick:

Kinda reminds me of the hypnotist in Office Space.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Callred » Mon Nov 26, 2012 3:43 pm

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Tue Nov 27, 2012 5:54 pm

LOL Awesome indeed.

In fact, that photo is awesome all by itself. At this point, I'd settle for a universe in which I took that photo!

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Wed Dec 26, 2012 11:21 am

WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:

So, how was your evening last night?

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?

Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...

MEN - Meanwhile, at the pub...

So, how was your evening last night?
Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..king candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Wed Dec 26, 2012 11:55 am

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Wed Dec 26, 2012 11:57 am

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied..

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private..'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied..

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Wed Dec 26, 2012 12:50 pm

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I was to give you $26,000, minus 2.4%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Ever'thing but my earrings."

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Wed Dec 26, 2012 4:13 pm

PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Wed Dec 26, 2012 5:16 pm

A new term known as 'Lesbionics'....

1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet

2.What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 govt workers?
100 people that don't do dick.

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Thu Dec 27, 2012 11:02 am

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and after a few rings a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
...
MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in complete astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Thu Jan 03, 2013 9:55 am

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an Old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt Underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

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Re: Jokes

Postby ZeroGuardian » Mon Jan 14, 2013 6:46 pm

Typical computer use from the perspective of the computer:

COMPUTER: Monitor, display this document, ok?
MONITOR: No prob, boss.
COMPUTER: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around...so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?
MONITOR: Anything you ask, boss.
COMPUTER: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?
MOUSE: Over to the icon panel, sir.
COMPUTER: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?
MOUSE: Of course.
KEYBOARD: Sir, he's pressed control and P simultaneously.
MONITOR: Oh God, here we go.
COMPUTER: (sighs) Printer, are you there?
PRINTER: No.
COMPUTER: Please, Printer. I know you're there.
PRINTER: NO! I'm not here! Leave me alone!
COMPUTER: Jeez. OK look, you really need...
MOUSE: Sir, he's clicked on the printer icon.
COMPUTER: Printer, now you have to print it twice.
PRINTER: NO! NO! NO! I don't want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I'm turning off!
COMPUTER: Printer, you know you can't turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we'll leave you alone.
PRINTER: NO! That's what you always say! I hate you! I'm out of ink!
COMPUTER: You're not out of in...
PRINTER: I'M OUT OF INK!
COMPUTER: (Sighs) Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.
MONITOR: But sir, he has plen...
COMPUTER: Just do it, damn it!
MONITOR: Yes, sir.
KEYBOARD: AHHH! He's hitting me!
COMPUTER: Stay calm, he'll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.
KEYBOARD: He's pressing everything. Oh god, I don't know, he's just pressing everything!
COMPUTER: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you've done?!
PRINTER: HA! that's what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he...hey...HEY! He's trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my god! He's torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please! ERROR!
MONITOR: Sir, maybe we should help him?
COMPUTER: No. He did this to himself.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Ronin » Mon Jan 21, 2013 4:06 pm

This is a great gallery of video game logic. I'm sure you guys will recognize more of these than I did.

http://thechive.com/2013/01/19/video-ga ... 44-photos/
After seeing and hearing about the amazing rigs that many people have on these forums; it seems rather silly for me to the specs of my very modest gaming PC. It works and that's good enough for me.

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Re: Jokes

Postby grey_area » Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:43 am

Ronin wrote:This is a great gallery of video game logic. I'm sure you guys will recognize more of these than I did.

http://thechive.com/2013/01/19/video-ga ... 44-photos/


Brilliant!

Loved the computer one too, Zero!

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Re: Jokes

Postby Egg » Tue Jan 22, 2013 9:29 am

Ronin wrote:This is a great gallery of video game logic. I'm sure you guys will recognize more of these than I did.

http://thechive.com/2013/01/19/video-ga ... 44-photos/

Those were all great, but the last one really cracked me up.

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Sat Jan 26, 2013 12:14 am

Chuckled at the Zero's computer narrative, laughed hard at Ronin's video game logic. Thanks, guys.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Ronin » Sun Feb 03, 2013 10:56 am

An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman are in a bar...

And as they discuss their plans for the next day, they happen to notice a massive, mountain of a man, with no nose.
The barman notices them staring and says,"That's Tiny guys. He's reeeeeeaaaallll sensitive about the whole missing nose business."
True to form, the Englishman cannot resist on last glance at this peculiar deformity. Tiny sees this and rumbles across the bar with a ROAR, which makes the rafters shed dust. Tiny grabs the Englishman by the throat and slams against the wall.
"WHAT'RE YOU LOOKING AT PAL?!" He yells.
The Englishman (being very good under pressure) replies with, "Oh nothing old chap, but I cannot help but admire your teeth. You have a fine set of teeth, take care of them or they shall rot like mine," he opens his mouth and reveals a set of false teeth.
Tiny is a bit surprised by this, but in true politeness, he puts the Englishman down, brushes him off and buys him a drink.
Ten minutes later, the American cannot help but look one last time. Tiny rumbles across the bar again, repeating the choke slam against the wall and yells,
"THE HELL DO YOU WANT BUDDY?!"
So the American (also being on the ball tonight) swiftly says, "I can't help but admire those darn ears. Those are some mighty fine ears you got there Tiny, you best look after them or you are going to need hearing aids like mine," So of course the American taps his hearing aids.
Tiny, being a true gentlemen, sets him back down, brushes him off and buys him a drink.
20 minutes later, the Irishman glances in Tiny's direction.
Tiny races across the bar, and pins him against the wall by his throat, yelling;
"AND JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE LOOKING AT?!"
So the Irishman, thinking quickly replies;
"Well, I cannot help but noticin' your eyes. You have a fine pair of eyes lad, and you best take good care of them, or you will need glasses like me and that wouldn't work because you got no nose to rest them on."
After seeing and hearing about the amazing rigs that many people have on these forums; it seems rather silly for me to the specs of my very modest gaming PC. It works and that's good enough for me.

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Re: Jokes

Postby werepossum » Tue Feb 19, 2013 12:52 pm

A blond, a brunette and a redhead are having a drink and comparing notes on raising their teen-aged daughters. The brunette says "I got a terrible shock last week. I was putting away my daughter's clothes and found a pack of cigarettes. I had no idea she smoked!"

The redhead commiserates, "I know what you mean. I looked in my daughter's backpack and found half a bottle of vodka. I had no idea she drank."

The blond says "That's nothing. Other day I was putting away my daughter's panties and found a pack of condoms. I had no idea she had a penis!"

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Re: Jokes

Postby Ronin » Thu Feb 28, 2013 10:29 pm

This gallery is from ebaum's world about video gaming....

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/83124571/

Enjoy!
After seeing and hearing about the amazing rigs that many people have on these forums; it seems rather silly for me to the specs of my very modest gaming PC. It works and that's good enough for me.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Ronin » Sun Mar 03, 2013 7:36 pm

This might be the same gallery, if not there are some duplicates but this one's easier to look at.

http://leenks.com/link447907.html
After seeing and hearing about the amazing rigs that many people have on these forums; it seems rather silly for me to the specs of my very modest gaming PC. It works and that's good enough for me.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Ronin » Wed Mar 06, 2013 10:22 pm

here's a funny video about sex in video games. It's in french but it's all visual.

http://www.break.com/index/sex-in-video-games-2421784
After seeing and hearing about the amazing rigs that many people have on these forums; it seems rather silly for me to the specs of my very modest gaming PC. It works and that's good enough for me.

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Re: Jokes

Postby grey_area » Thu Mar 07, 2013 4:23 pm

Haha! That sex in video games was brilliant. Must be the French version of Cracked. Especially loved the Zelda and GTA ones.
"You like this?", "Yup". :))

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Re: Jokes

Postby Ronin » Sat Mar 09, 2013 9:08 pm

Anyone know how to insert an image from Google I drive? I captured a great Internet Explorer prank that I want to share.
I get told by the forum that 'it was not possible to determine the dimensions of the image'

Thanks.
After seeing and hearing about the amazing rigs that many people have on these forums; it seems rather silly for me to the specs of my very modest gaming PC. It works and that's good enough for me.

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